Garden of Gethsemane

Because Paul and I have so many thoughts and feelings, we will share this in increments so as not to overwhelm you with having to read essays – It's not over. Yes, we have that much more to share.

I don’t think I can say that this is the same as facing crucifixion and all that Christ faced but I know what it’s like to face death and pray to God, “Please take this cup away, not my will but your will.”

At 3am I called to check in with our nurse, Christina, as Kaitlyn had been in a very fragile state since her surgery onTuesday when her heart stopped for 9 minutes. Overnight her heart rate had been dipping down into the 70s. Her previous surgeries showed Kaitlyn’s heart rate had been in the hundred-teens. A healthy newborn heart rate is expected to range from the 120-160. In the 60s a baby’s heart rate is considered the same as a flat line as there is not enough oomph to pump the blood around the body sufficiently. Her profusion was the worst we have ever seen it. This meant that her body was stressed and was drawing all reserves to her vital organs. This was evident in her profusion. You test this by pressing on the skin to blanch it and see how quickly the colour comes back. Her blood pressure was high at times but her heart rate would dropp. This labile dance was unpredictable and most likely a consequence of brain injury. The made it difficult for the doctors and nurses to know how to adequately medicate our baby's pain. She began to not tolerate morphine as her heart rate would drop too low for comfort and so the medical team decided to with hold morphine. Our baby was paralyzed with a drug called Rock for short. At times it was evident that she was conscious under this paralytic and we hated this. We hated knowing that our baby was probably anxious and we hated not really knowing if she was experiencing pain or discomfort and was unable to show us. Usually nurses will follow the baby’s cue by either watching the numbers (such as an accelerated heart beat along with accelerated blood pressure) or by watching facial expressions…however in our case, Kaitlyn’s vital signs were not behaving predictably and she was frozen, unable to show us anything. To convey how serious her state was you have to know how she was after previous surgeries. Her heart rate and blood pressure was more stable and predictable, allowing the medical team to adequately keep her comfortable…so as much as we hated the fact that she had to have surgeries, we felt reassured that her doctors and nurses were able to read her cues and keep her comfortable.

Again I go into this much detail about her condition so you know how sick our baby was. Of course this did not make our decision any easier. We have had this conversation with doctors many, many times, too many times, throughout Kaitlyn’s life. The doctors asked if we wished to terminate when ultrasounds and tests pointed to the likelihood of a genetic defect and a congenital heart defect. This decision was easy to make. We simply held onto our values, that any life, all life is to be preserved. However, the need to confront death became increasingly difficult when we met and bonded with our daughter. Our little baby showed she had such complex health issues. Each time the doctors sat us down, too many times to count on one hand, our discussions about Kaitlyn’s long term care and prospects for life became more difficult and intense. As parents we have faced the single most difficult decision in our life. We have been asked to decide whether our daughter should or could continue to live.

After talking to Christina I understood what people had been telling me. With every good intention the medical staff had been telling me we would know when the time came to let Kaitlyn go, that she would be telling us it was time. I would just nod my head but I didn't understand. At that moment in my heart I understood what this meant.

I prostrated myself before God and prayed. In that moment I knew that true surrender was death. Is this not the case in all things? That we have to die to our natural fleshly man in order to surrender to the Holy Spirit. I surrendered Kaitlyn to God. I thanked God for allowing me to carry her in my womb and for allowing us to meet her, to hold her, to caress her head. I mourned and grieved her. After this I had a peace…throughout our journey to get to this point I truly believe we were led my God. He gave us a peace that transcends all understanding as we leaned on Him without reservation…I guess this also reminds me of a picture I had when we were praying for Kaitlyn before she was born. I saw myself on a trapeze…and God was before me, asking me to let go of the security of the trapeze bar and to leap into His arms. To trust in Him completely.

I called my mother after this…I wanted to talk to her before Kaitlyn passed away. God showed me that we can never be independent…we can never totally figure things out on our own…that God by His love and grace, places answers in the most unlikely places…that he places answers in the people that surround us. I believe my mother was the mouthpiece of God…as she told me, “Don’t cry, you have to let her come home to Me”, “ Her home, is Heaven”, “You don’t own her, you are simply a steward, that I love you so much that I entrusted her to you”, “Kaitlyn is MY beloved daughter”, “I am asking you to relinquish her to me”, “Don’t cry, I know, I know all things”, “ You are suffering more than Kaitlyn because you refuse to let go”, “Trust me”.

God’s grace has been upon us this whole time. People say Paul and I are so strong…so it’s true that when we are weak, He is strong. Who can be strong in such a time as this…it’s truly all our God. We are thankful for God’s grace, for allowing Kaitlyn to continue the good fight. We thank both God and Kaitlyn for allowing us the time to come to peace with our decision and to be liberated to make the decision. It was already decided by God but because of His mercy and love, He allowed us to find peace and freedom first.