I have been deeply impacted by people’s responses. It confirms what we knew and fills us with joy despite our sadness. I felt God tell me that Kaitlyn’s destiny will encompass many people. I think I actually blogged this in one of my early entries. It fills me with joy to hear people glorify our God.
I may speak prematurely but for now I believe that destiny is two fold. We seek and activate our destiny by walking in faith and obedience. But I also believe that part of our destiny is fulfilled when we rest in God because it’s not only about what we do but who we are.
Kaitlyn was a baby whose spirit and testimony has touched many. Just as Paul and I were her advocates during her time in hospital, we are the voice telling her story. Kaitlyn’s story is her God given destiny.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Perfection
This word had been prayed and spoken over Kaitlyn so many times. Our pastors and a few people committed to pray for us met every Monday night to pray for Kaitlyn when she was still in my womb. At the time we received this word to mean we were praying Heaven onto earth to bring healing and perfection in her body. However as I look back on her short life I realize that this word means that our love for her is perfect. In the end, the Word says that God is love…we place our eyes on our God and know that as we rest in His love that we see perfection.
God’s Wisdom
Our Community Group had prayed over us God’s wisdom on Wednesday night. God answered this prayer through the voice of my mother on Thursday morning. God’s wisdom is different from our own wisdom because God’s wisdom also holds mystery. I had mentioned earlier that Kaitlyn’s name means, `pure’. Well Kaitlyn’s Korean name, Gee Hae, means God’s wisdom. We are only able to embrace this because we know that God is good all the time and trust in His great love for all of us.
Monday, December 21, 2009
We are all Heaven Bound
I've been waking up at early hours of the morning to pump. I was expressing milk for Kaitlyn but now I'm trying to stop production...it's at these early hours of the morning that I have been thinking and writing. I have many more thoughts I would like to share, however, I haven't had the time to post them as we have also been busy deciding on how we wanted to take care of Kaitlyn's body. I hope that you will continue to follow Kaitlyn's story as God is continuing to speak to me. Kaitlyn has impacted me in such a way that what was a drought in my life is now a floodgate of revelation.
We know that our citizenship is in Heaven. I remember having a conversation once about what the big deal was about Heaven. It was like talking about a trip to some foreign county I knew nothing about. But since then life has been like one of those Lonely Planet guides. Through our experiences God reveals Himself if we are willing to hear and see. These revelations should lead us to ponder about and eventually yearn for Heaven where we spend all eternity with God.
That week Pastor Steve had come to speak to us. It was the day after Kaitlyn smiled at him. I was tired and my glasses were irritating my nose. I took them off but when I looked back up at Pastor Steve I couldn't hear him clearly. I have to explain that I am profoundly deaf in my left ear so when there is surrounding noise it helps me to read lips. Later God spoke to me through this to say that as much as I am seeking to hear His voice, I need to look to Him too.
On Kaitlyn's last day I kept looking at the monitor to check how her heart was doing. I kept looking for signs of the promise of life. I had to be sure. You can ask Linda if you have the pleasure of meeting her. I kept asking her over and over whether she thought that Kaitlyn's numbers were stabilizing. Because the nurses had told me to look to see what Kaitlyn was telling me I began to entertain doubt and confusion. As the Rock wore off and she began to open her eyes and move I began to think, maybe she's telling us she still has the strength to keep going. Throughout the day I was filled with anxiety and stress. Then I remembered what God had spoken to me about. To keep my eyes on Him. Not only to try hear His voice for direction but to look to Him only. I had to take my eyes off the numbers, I had to take my eyes off my little Kaitlyn and look to Him.
We have faith and peace that Kaitlyn is in Heaven. I chose the name Kaitlyn because it meant, `pure'. At first I chose this because even if she had Trisomy 21, I wanted to speak this word over her life, that she is pure; perfect.
I believe that God gave Kaitlyn a special assignment. It was short and she fulfilled it. For some of us we have to spend a lifetime searching for God or working out our salvation. But God allowed Kaitlyn to remain pure as a babe and complete her mission. This mission was simply to touch the lives of many...that Christ's glorious light may shine and lead people a little bit closer to home, to Him. Sometimes in our search for truth and identity we overthink things and get frustrated or feel lost but it's usually simpler than we think. We just have to keep our eyes on Christ. He is always about relationship and He always touches people's lives in big and small ways. I know that Kaitlyn's spirit and all that God is doing has touched the lives of many.
We know that our citizenship is in Heaven. I remember having a conversation once about what the big deal was about Heaven. It was like talking about a trip to some foreign county I knew nothing about. But since then life has been like one of those Lonely Planet guides. Through our experiences God reveals Himself if we are willing to hear and see. These revelations should lead us to ponder about and eventually yearn for Heaven where we spend all eternity with God.
That week Pastor Steve had come to speak to us. It was the day after Kaitlyn smiled at him. I was tired and my glasses were irritating my nose. I took them off but when I looked back up at Pastor Steve I couldn't hear him clearly. I have to explain that I am profoundly deaf in my left ear so when there is surrounding noise it helps me to read lips. Later God spoke to me through this to say that as much as I am seeking to hear His voice, I need to look to Him too.
On Kaitlyn's last day I kept looking at the monitor to check how her heart was doing. I kept looking for signs of the promise of life. I had to be sure. You can ask Linda if you have the pleasure of meeting her. I kept asking her over and over whether she thought that Kaitlyn's numbers were stabilizing. Because the nurses had told me to look to see what Kaitlyn was telling me I began to entertain doubt and confusion. As the Rock wore off and she began to open her eyes and move I began to think, maybe she's telling us she still has the strength to keep going. Throughout the day I was filled with anxiety and stress. Then I remembered what God had spoken to me about. To keep my eyes on Him. Not only to try hear His voice for direction but to look to Him only. I had to take my eyes off the numbers, I had to take my eyes off my little Kaitlyn and look to Him.
We have faith and peace that Kaitlyn is in Heaven. I chose the name Kaitlyn because it meant, `pure'. At first I chose this because even if she had Trisomy 21, I wanted to speak this word over her life, that she is pure; perfect.
I believe that God gave Kaitlyn a special assignment. It was short and she fulfilled it. For some of us we have to spend a lifetime searching for God or working out our salvation. But God allowed Kaitlyn to remain pure as a babe and complete her mission. This mission was simply to touch the lives of many...that Christ's glorious light may shine and lead people a little bit closer to home, to Him. Sometimes in our search for truth and identity we overthink things and get frustrated or feel lost but it's usually simpler than we think. We just have to keep our eyes on Christ. He is always about relationship and He always touches people's lives in big and small ways. I know that Kaitlyn's spirit and all that God is doing has touched the lives of many.
It's not over
I have many more thoughts I would like to share. We have been busy taking care of the final arrangements for Kaitlyn and busy organizing her memorial celebration so I just have not had the chance to post my thoughts. Please keep following Kaitlyn's story. It's not over!
Thank you to my family and friends in Sydney who have been calling, writing and thank you Angela and Michael for the beautiful flowers.
For those wanting to send flowers please consider making a donation to Children's Hospital. I say this with care because I would hate for people to feel obliged. There will be more details to follow regarding this.
Thank you to my family and friends in Sydney who have been calling, writing and thank you Angela and Michael for the beautiful flowers.
For those wanting to send flowers please consider making a donation to Children's Hospital. I say this with care because I would hate for people to feel obliged. There will be more details to follow regarding this.
Friday, December 18, 2009
TBA
Due to unforseen circumstances we will announce a date to save for Kaitlyn's memorial. On Monday I might know what date to save once some details are sorted out to allow Cath and Ron to be able to join us and celebrate Kaitlyn's life with us. I will be sure to blog ahead of time to allow people time to save the date during this busy Christmas season.
I would also like our nurse Linda Dart to join our celebration and would like to co-ordinate around her rotation.
It’s a one way ticket to Heaven
To clarify, we made Kaitlyn comfortable as she breathed her last breaths. We allowed her to do what she was meant to do. We could not allow machines and drugs to continue to sustain her breath if God was calling her home. We can not fight God. After coming to peace with this, we knew we could walk through the fire and hold our baby and watch her pass away. Not everyone has the gift of holding their loved one as they pass on so we are truly honoured and privileged.
We did not cry as she breathed her last breath. We had our hand on her heart as it beat slower and slower and finally stopped. We gazed upon the peace in her face. I prayed out loud, even in front of the doctor and nurses in the room…as foolish as it sounded I prayed that God would raise her from the dead with the same power that raised Christ from the dead. I did this so I would not regret that I failed to pray this prayer in fear of looking foolish. Looking back I realize that I prayed this out of emotion…had I looked to God I would have known His will and prayed according to this, “go in peace”. I wonder if people think that our God is powerless when He doesn’t come and perform the miracle we cry out for. But I know that God is bigger than me and that His grace is sufficient for me. I know that He says it’s ok…I prayed as any mother would.
Time and time again I have learned that we suffer and struggle when we fight God. I’ve also learned that these lessons never get easier even when I’ve learned that when we let go and stop fighting God that there is peace. I believe we could not squeeze a tear out as we let our daughter go because we had peace. This peace gave us confidence and strength to endure what no parent should have to experience. We were finally ready. Kaitlyn was already ready and waiting, just as God was waiting to receive her.
We want people to know that we are going to celebrate her life. Although it was 35 days her on earth, her life in heaven is eternal.
We did not cry as she breathed her last breath. We had our hand on her heart as it beat slower and slower and finally stopped. We gazed upon the peace in her face. I prayed out loud, even in front of the doctor and nurses in the room…as foolish as it sounded I prayed that God would raise her from the dead with the same power that raised Christ from the dead. I did this so I would not regret that I failed to pray this prayer in fear of looking foolish. Looking back I realize that I prayed this out of emotion…had I looked to God I would have known His will and prayed according to this, “go in peace”. I wonder if people think that our God is powerless when He doesn’t come and perform the miracle we cry out for. But I know that God is bigger than me and that His grace is sufficient for me. I know that He says it’s ok…I prayed as any mother would.
Time and time again I have learned that we suffer and struggle when we fight God. I’ve also learned that these lessons never get easier even when I’ve learned that when we let go and stop fighting God that there is peace. I believe we could not squeeze a tear out as we let our daughter go because we had peace. This peace gave us confidence and strength to endure what no parent should have to experience. We were finally ready. Kaitlyn was already ready and waiting, just as God was waiting to receive her.
We want people to know that we are going to celebrate her life. Although it was 35 days her on earth, her life in heaven is eternal.
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