Taboo

For those reading this chapter I want to highlight that this is simply the real process that Paul and I went through to decide on the final arrangements for Kaitlyn’s body. I hope not to offend any with my thoughts and want to stress that I give the utmost respect and dignity to those who have had to or have to make these preparations for their loved ones.

The day after Kaitlyn died we slept in. Throughout the day we talked vaguely about plans for her body. We tossed out our thoughts like leaves carried away by the wind. We were too tired but we knew that the clock was ticking and it wasn’t going to wait for us. On Saturday we decided to explore some cemeteries. It felt like we were shopping for a house. I wanted to make sure the lay of the land was pleasing to the eye and had a good vibe about it. Almost as if she should have a good view from the dirt. I forgot that she already had the penthouse view.

We really didn’t know whether we wanted to bury her or cremate her. I was afraid of burial because I didn’t like the thought of her body decomposing in the ground but I was afraid of cremation because fire is painful way to die…I know these thoughts are irrational but our emotions are powerful and they can drive us in an irrational way. I was aware of this yet it didn’t help me decide what was best for our baby.

As we discussed the cost of buying a plot of land vs a niche we found that prices varied depending on whether the plot was close to the perimeter of the cemetery or in a nicer part of the grounds and whether the niche was at eye level or close to the ground. We had almost decided to buy a plot of land where Paul and I could have our cremated remains buried with Kaitlyn in the future. It even offered the option of burying a casket if one of us changed our minds about cremation. But as we sat in the office surrounded by different styles and sizes of tomb stones Paul said he felt uncomfortable with the money making aspect of their business. When we talked to the funeral director about embalming we decided that this wasn’t what we wanted. We didn’t want to recreate her to look lifelike again. We had our memories of Kaitlyn and we didn’t want to hang onto her body. For me this was the tipping point. It helped me to decide that we wanted to cremate.

As Christians we had to wonder about what our bodies meant to us when we are dead. We had to let go of a ungodly untruths in our head and the natural desire to take comfort or security just in case we might need our bodies after death. We really had to sort through the hidden death catalogue in our head and sift through it to find what we really believed about life after death.

At the end of this process we decided that the traditional funeral service and burial was not for us. It was hard to let go of tradition or the usual or common way of dealing with death. We wanted to and needed let go of all ties to Kaitlyn’s body knowing with a bold faith that her soul was in Heaven. We asked the Funeral Home to cremate Kaitlyn before Christmas and we appreciate the effort they made to respect our wishes given the logistics they had to take care of to make this happen.

Although Linda had made beautiful prints of Kaitlyn’s hands and feet after her death I wanted to get a reprint of Kaitlyn’s hands and feet because I wanted to get a keepsake pendant engraved with a scanning of her prints. However the thought of them carelessly washing off the ink made me restless. In the end I decided to forgo the prints for the peace of knowing that Paul and I were the last to bathe her after she died. This led me to looking into witnessing her cremation. I had heard that bodies sit up when in the fire and this vision in my mind made me hastily check no when we had signed the original paperwork to authorize the Funeral Home to take care of her body. To some witnessing cremation may sound morbid but to me it was driven by the deep inherent mother’s need to protect her child. Although I was careful to not be attached to her body, I needed to give her body the respect and dignity that I felt that only we could give her because only Paul and I loved her like no other.

So on December 24th we confirmed her body was in the little cardboard box. Paul carried her in the box to the Crematorium. He placed her in the retort and we watched the door seal shut. Some people go as far as turning on the machine but we allowed them to do their job and we left.

For some Christmas Eve may seem untimely. But I took comfort in knowing that we remember and celebrate Christ on Christmas day who came to turn our mourning into gladness and our sorrow into joy. This is the way I want to remember this day.