The Grand Finale?

The Grand Finale

I remember when I was younger I wondered how people in any field that worked with dead bodies could do what they do. But as we spent out final hours with Kaitlyn after she had passed away, I wasn’t freaked out at all and realized that dead bodies were once live people loved by others. We lovingly bathed her and took photos with her so that we can look at these and remember our little baby. We were able to hold her the way every parent should be able to hold their little baby. I had always wanted to hold her on my chest but because of her ventilator we were only able to cradle her in our arms with great care so as not to cause further trauma to her throat. She looked so peaceful as if she was sleeping. It was a blessing to hold her and see her with no tubes attached. It reminded me of what a miracle pregnancy is. That God sustained her prefectly in the womb without any tubes or intervention. It was as if we had a stolen moment with our baby. So when we went to the Funeral Home on Monday December 22nd to confirm that the body they picked up was indeed our little baby we smiled at how cute she looked. A nurse had called her a little peanut. This brought joy and delight to me because I remembered her first ultrasound photo where she truly looked like a little peanut. I have this now engraved on my pendant, "my little peanut".

Throughout Paul’s response has been different from mine except for when she was born. We both cried and grieved from the moment she was born. We mourned the loss of a future we had envisioned for our little baby. It was a roller coaster ride because when we met Kaitlyn she captured our hearts and we fell in love with her. We began to accept and embrace a new future. There certainly were dips and peaks as we embarked on our journey of contending for her life. Paul was stoic and strong throughout her short life but when we were given time with Kaitlyn’s body at the Funeral Home Paul sobbed. He did a lot of his crying after she died. For me the biggest challenge was letting go in my heart. I cried so much that I felt like I had no tears left to cry as I held her as she died. I have not mourned for our little Kaitlyn since then. I’ve managed to keep myself busy with planning her memorial and spending time with my family. As I write these final chapters I feel the sadness of our loss. But I want to keep writing, to finish telling as much of the story that I know about because I know God wants to unfold His untold portion in our lives.